Delayed Intensification

We started Delayed Intensification today, the last phase of active treatment before Charlotte is in Maintenance.  This is supposed to be the hardest phase of Charlotte's treatment.  We have basically written off October and November.

The first month is quite different then the second.  Right now we are scheduled to be in twice next week (Tuesday and Friday), and then the following Friday (the 19th).  This month she gets Vincristine, Doxorubicin, PEG-asparaginase (3 chemo drugs given through IV, all she has had before), IT Methotrexate (given through lumbar puncture) and Dexamethasone (the steroid which gives us Carlotta - Charlotte's hulk like alter-ego).

Next month she will again get Vincristine, PEG-asparaginase and IT Methotrexate.  In addition, she will get Cytarabine (which she has had before) and two new chemo drugs, Cyclophosphamide (given by IV - and by reading things, doesn't sound very pleasant) and Thioguanine (an oral drug given at home).  

She will lose her hair again this phase, will likely require some blood transfusions, and will have the usual symptoms, nausea being the biggest. 

She handled this morning's lumbar puncture really well - my little trooper.  She also had the Vincristine and Doxorubicin.  We were only at the hospital for a couple hours.  We had a quick stop at my Mom's for lunch and a little playtime, and were home for naps.  She awoke from her nap screaming.  I couldn't calm her or find out what was bothering her.  I gave her some gravol (it was too early for her next dose of her anti-nausea medicine) and that seemed to do the trick for her.  She is now curled up in front of the telly.  Welcome to Delayed Intensification.

I am tired.  sad.  frustrated.  Yesterday wasn't a good day.  I've applied for sick leave from work, and yesterday had a call with the disability management person.  She was not very nice.  I don't think I have ever been treated with such obvious contempt.  I'm still upset over it.  I'm doing my best to put on my 'mom face'.  I feel like a weathered away statue.  I know I'm strong, I've been through a lot.  But I feel like the storm just keeps getting stronger and I can no longer recognize myself.  Like one hard hit will shatter me down the middle. 

"Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak whispers the oe'r fraught heart, and bids it break." - Shakespeare

It's days like this I just lean on Stefan a little more.  It's likely I'm just due for a couple good crys.   Sorry- remember - cancer blog - you get it all.

*Follow-up: I wrote the above a few hours ago.  Since then, Charlotte had her anti-nausea medicine and perked back up, and was her silly crazy self.  She was being so silly, I asked her if she was on drugs, she said 'yes'.  We went for a family walk which always helps.  I'm now sitting down with my hubby and a blizzard about to watch glee, so feeling a bit better.

I hope everyone has a great thanksgiving - hug your loved ones, and enjoy your turkey dinner!  I will!